Thursday Oct 8th 1998

Thursday Oct 8th 1998:
Coffee. Grey skies. Feeling wonderful. Stomach bubbling. I’m not depressed.

I told you! Listen to me! I’m not repressed, I’m just laying here becalmed and bubbling, under a cold grey sky, feeling wonderful.

This is it!
Once upon a time a fifty two year old man sat in a top floor window staring out at the street below. He thought the black bin bag flapping in the rungs of the wrought iron railings across the road was a trapped cat.
So much for Zeiss precision lenses.

Friday 9th Oct 1998:
I’ve just eaten a chocolate biscuit cold remedy, and now I feel sick.
Treasure Island waits on the illuminated incline of my drawing table.
New nib, more tea.
I’m ready.

Sunday 11th Oct:
Watching Journey to the centre of The Earth. Fit for nothing else. I should be working but can’t raise the energy. It’s been a fucking awful week.

Monday 12th Oct:
The Sun is shining. A great deal to do. Dracula needs a new nose, the Baskerville Hound a non pig snout.
Treasure Island and Life’s Lottery beckons. Floors to paint, tape to lay. Riley wanders around howling. Daniel leaves for college and AWAY WE GO!

Tuesday 13th Oct. 12:15p:
Noon day gun, grey rat rain, drizzle and wind. Yesterday’s sun was a great respite. Jenny’s clearing the decks.
London tomorrow. The Sargent Exhibition at the Tate.
I’ll paint the second /first landing floor before we go.
Rotterdam on Friday, with Andrew and Andy,
13:30 Gatwick 14:55 Flight out.

Friday 16th 10: 20am:
Off to Rotterdam. Hair cut, shoes polished and a headache begging attention.
I hope Dan’s OK, not forgetting Riley of course.
Got Sotheby’s catalogue this morning. Three pieces for sale. Twittering ends.

Wednesday 28th 6: 30pm:
Weather has not improved. I’m locked in and constipated.
Broken ankle not withstanding.
Oil, Alkyd, Zeitgeist, Ziggurat
Please note–
That the last two start with a Z?

Sunday 1st Nov17:13pm:
Day brightened, depression persists however. Nothing seems to work. Acute sense of isolation.
I desperately need an objective, new stimulus, and of course some money.
Varnished Dan’s floor today.
A ring of lights.
Cars rotating
Wheels turning
Dogs barking.

Nov 6th 10:15 1998:
Found:
Concept: Joharis Window.
Window on the World, divided into four parts/quadrants.
1 The part which is known to yourself and others.
2 The part that is perceived by others but hidden from yourself.
3 The part that is hidden from others but known to yourself.
4 The part hidden from yourself and from others.

Response:
I am a tree.
My foliage is much admired, especially in the autumn when it turns to red.
Why do they look at me in that way?
Before I became a tree, I was a dog.
Nobody can tell me why.

*Excerpt from The Broken Diary – Sept 21st 1980.

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